IRAN / PAKISTAN / RHODE ISLAND?! If yer old pal Jerky wrote the history books, the third week of February, 2003, would henceforth be known as "The Week of the Spectacular Bodycount!" What the fuck is going on out there, man?! Planeloads of soldiers dropping from the sky, random locations transformed into inescapable death traps in the blink of an eye… it seems as though whichever way one turned this week, one was confronted with the sight of grim-faced emergency workers systematically cataloguing the dead, trying not to step in a steaming pile of something that used to have a face. In fact, this week's convergence of carnage was so exceptional, it behooves us to examine each incident in its own right. Yer old pal Jerky has opted to list these tragedies in ascending order by death toll, rather than the more traditional method of listing them chronologically, because he fucking felt like it. If this sticks in your craw for some reason, then yer old pal Jerky cordially suggest you go douche out your craw and get on with your life. 1. PAK CRASH A WHACK? -- The first incident in our list of disasters is notable not for its bodycount - a mere 17 corpses, total - so much as it is for who was among the dead. A Pakistani Air Force plane crashed in a remote, mountainous region of that country on Thursday, killing Air Force chief Mushaf Ali Mir. Aside from being one of our most important strategic partners in the War against Terror, the nation of Pakistan is also, as you all (should) know, the place where the Taliban movement originated, and still thrives. It also happens to be a military dictatorship with a tenuous grip on power, tasked with simultaneously giving aid to the much-hated infidels of America, and holding back an Iran-style popular fundamentalist Islamic revolution through sheer force of will (with a little brute repression mixed in). This latter task is further complicated by the fact that many of the nation's high-ranking military officials are Taliban sympathizers who wouldn't be upset if such a thing were to happen. Which kinda makes you wonder where Mister Mir stood on the chessboard, and whether where he stood had anything to do with why he is no longer standing, today. 2. CHICAGO CRUSH! - According to witnesses, things at Chicago's E2 club started getting out of hand on Saturday when private security goons hired by a promoter started misting the rowdy crowd with pepper spray. But the pot didn't really start to boil until some idiot decided to shout "TERRORIST ATTACK!" In the mad dash for the exits that followed, twenty-one people were trampled or crushed to death, mostly because of the avalanche of bodies that occurred at the steep, narrow staircase people had to get down before reaching the exits. You know how they say you shouldn't shout "Fire!" in a crowded theater? Well, we now have a 21st century variation on that old chestnut. "Never cry TERRORIST ATTACK in an overcrowded hip-hop club that isn't up to code." 3. STOP, DROP, ROCK AND ROLL! -- Chicago... City of broad shoulders. Hog butcher to the world. Who'd have thunk it could be overshadowed by West Warwick, Rhode Island?! That's exactly what happened on Thursday, when concertgoers expecting to re-live their heady, hard-rockin' high school days by taking in a Great White concert were instead sent screaming into the night by an out-of-control pyrotechnics display. The all-wood building where the concert was being held allegedly went up like a straw hat soaked in gasoline. Some people were trampled in the rush to escape. Others were choked to death by the thick toxic smoke. Still others were roasted alive where they stood. At the time of this writing, the death toll stands at an astounding 95, but they're still pulling out bodies, so they have a pretty good chance of hitting triple digits. Keep your fingers crossed! 4. THOSE OVERACHIEVING ASIANS! - Speaking of hellish conflagrations with triple-digit death tolls, how about the recent madness in South Korea? Who would have guessed that a rumpled, middle-aged, suicidal Korean dude wielding a milk carton full of gasoline could snuff out a hundred and twenty five people? Certainly not the average suicide bomber, many of whom are probably up in Paradise right now, hanging their heads in shame at the thought of being so thoroughly shown up. And the guy didn't even kill himself, like he says he wanted to! It's like he's some kind of terrorist savant or something. 5. AND IRAN… IRAN SO FAR AWAY... - Gee… I wonder if we had anything to do with that planeload of 304 elite Iranian Revolutionary Guards going down in the night?! If the American government was behind this - and there is some room for doubt, seeing as the plane was built in Russia - that would mean we were responsible for both of Iran's two worst air disasters, the other being the "accidental" shoot-down of an A300 Airbus in 1988... an act for which we have yet to formally apologize.. Sweet dreams, everyone! YOPJ Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 22 On this day in 1455, inventor Johannes Gutenberg prints the first-ever "mass produced" book: the Holy Bible. It immediately rockets to the top of the bestseller charts. On this day in the year 1630, native Americans introduce malnourished pilgrims to the delicacy we now call popcorn during a Thanksgiving feast. The pilgrims show their appreciation for the natives' generosity by giving them bibles, fire-water and smallpox-infested blankets. On this day in 1821, Spain sells a huge chunk of Florida to the United States for $5 million bucks. In other words, they totally ripped us off! On this day in 1985, the Senate confirms Edwin Meese III as Ronald Reagan's Attorney General. He is only marginally less puritanical, corrupt and religiously insane than Dubya's first AG, Jesus H. Ashcroft. On this day in 1992, Kurt "Voice of a Generation" Cobain and Courtney "Fucked the Voice of a Generation" Love get married, and live happily ever after. On this day in 1997, scientists in Scotland announce the successful cloning of Dolly the Sheep, the first mammal ever to be cloned from adult cells. It was one small step for science, and a giant leap forward in the Scottish plot to breed a race of sexually irresistible super-sheep.

THEY SAID IT! "Here is the essential problem in Iraq. There are so many nuts in the country -- so many crazies -- that we can't control them. And I don't -- we're never gonna be able to control them. So the only solution to this is to hand over everything to the Iraqis as fast as humanly possible. Because we just can't control these crazy people. This is all over the place. And that was the big mistake about America: They didn't -- it was the crazy-people underestimation. We did not know how to deal with them -- still don't. But they're just all over the place." - Bill O'Reilly finally figures something out, after three years of calling other people who already knew this war was doomed before it started "traitors" and "pinheads". *** **** *** "All-Out Civil War in Iraq: Could It Be a Good Thing?" - Only on FOX News, people... only on FOX News.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Nan or Ben! A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The bald man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Ralston for sending in today's second joke. An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by McTubers... Q: What do you call a piece of sandpaper in Iraq? A: A map.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A BUTTLOAD OF QUESTIONS care of: The Dalhi Bobba Jerky, OK, so the UAE buying a port firm and Dubbya not knowing about it is pissing everyone off. But do you think maybe thats the desired reaction? See, Congress approved it-now the Republicants are all over how bad it is. I aint trying to pull a Kanye and state the obvious, but Dubbya seems to hate anyone who isnt lighter toned and not Christian. Do you think this outrage was the desired response? Or maybe it was an experiment to see if the propaganda was working? Hey, they are brown and Muslim - THEY ARE EVIL! Am I possibly reading to much into this? I remember 9-11, I emailed you. My first thought before any theory was out here was Dubbya did it. You said no way. I sort of agreed with you, but as time goes by, it's hard not to believe he didnt have some hand in it. But we have digressed. See, believeing the UAE is a potential threat clears Dubbya of any wrong doing. The outrage SHOWS Carl Rove and the boys that they were correct-if you drive fear home enough, eventually even clear thinking adults will see it your way. Who isnt afraid of terrorists? And who considers the Middle East a region of rational thinkers? We reacted the way they wanted us to. Like sheep (me included) we jumped when we heard the news "What the fuck?" These are the same assholes who ignored a PDB (or used it to cover their tracks),why would they pay attention now? Could this be an attempt by the military idustrial complex to see if the citizenry was up for invading/bombing/nuking any Arabian country they saw fit? Keep in mind, this complex owns the meida. The same liberal media that has retired pro war genrals analyzing invasion strattagies but no peace activists to say maybe invasion isnt the right way to get things accomplished. Now, we are conditioned to believe anyone who is different is evil. I am not condoning Dubai, or their part in financing Dubbya's plan, but as I look at my own instant reaction I must think - Why did I think that? because I have been told for 3 years to think anyone who has oil is evil and has it in for me and they must be stopped. My biggest fear is we have reacted just the way THEY wanted us to - that's the travesty. I could be completly wrong - I have been before. But I must think when a man is labeled a threat, not for what he has done, but based on where he is from that I have lost some reasoning. I am superfucking pissed we had another country contracted out to secure our ports! We have outsourced even local jobs (well, business ownership). I pose a question, a theory or a challenege. Who owned the company in England? Who gained from the contract? Was it a thank you to Tony Blair? Was the contract a way to keep "evidence" out that was questionable? I think the presale end of the contract should be just as investigated as the soon to be sale. Quid pro Quo is just a nice way of saying bribe,and maybe this security firm in England could be the beggining of the hunt for evidence concerning WMD's. Who knows. I just want to offer a different view point. Mostly because I think we have to judge a man as a man, not as an Arab man, not as a white man, not as a blck man-but as a man. Who fucking knows? Later, The Dalhi Bobba [Two things: First, I don't think "racism" has anything to do with it. This isn't about Arab people, it's about the United Arab Emirates, which has a profoundly undemocratic and genuinely spooky government. Also, Dubai Ports is not just a company owned by Arabs, it is a branch of the government of UAE. I don't like the fact that the government of China is running some Pacific ports, either, but I got nothing but love for Chinese people. Second, believing The Powers That Be were involved in 9/11 doesn't absolve their patsies from the crimes they committed. It's like with Lee Harvey Oswald. Even if he did the shooting -- even if he was the ONLY GUY doing the shooting -- that doesn't mean there wasn't a wider conspiracy. Nobody denies the existance of Islamist terrorism. Some people just question whether or not parties unknown have harnessed that particular potentialiality for their own ulterior motives. - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Hi MPJerky I was in a debate with a friend about God and my friend was just using all these supposed facts about why God exsists. He then went on to how every human being has the choice, free will if you will to believe or not but he was sticking ot his guns. Anyways I said what about Sociopaths and Pyschopaths that literally cannot love anything or anyone. In fact they use the one thing God talks about as being imporant, love. They were born that way created by God to never be able to love or have free will. Free will was used by my friend as one of his proofs for God's exsistance. I only got stony silence from him and then he ended the debate by saying "look, I just know." He then got up really quick and left. lata, Rob [Get used to that kind of reaction. - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo, Jerky! I love the Dirt. You keep writing, I'll keep fighting in my own way against the system. Rage against the machine. One question, number 8, on the Cheney list says the diagram shows shot on the left. Next to the diagram in the report, it says shot to the right. I think all that proves is that the cop was not a very bright artist. YOPJoe [That's what happens when you don't give the cops access to the crime scene and the parties involved. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; My wife left me. I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back... Keith [You had me going there for a minute. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; How come I keep dreaming about opening a new bank in Washington, DC? I would call it First Asshole’s Bank. My proposed slogans for this bank are: "Your asshole’s always number 1 at First Assholes." -- "No asshole is too big for First Assholes." -- "Stickin’ your money where the sun don’t shine." -- "First Assholes protects yours!" Somehow or another, it would work in DC. FMM5 [I don't get it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; You think those Mohammed cartoons were offensive? Try these ones on for size. Ian [Sorry, I can't read "Swedish Chef" language. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky... Ever since reading your letter about feeling burned out and blocked I've been thinking about your predicament and what, if anything, I could possibly say to encourage you to stay other than; "Hey... the lease is up on your TRUCK maaang! Ya GOTTA work!" So... here it is. I've got to take a shot. As an example, my three favorite peeps right now are you, Mike Malloy and Randi Rhodes (of Air America fame). The list varies from time to time but you are always first in the lineup. You folks are in the trenches and every time you go to work you fire your bullets at the enemy. I don't know where you find your energy. It amazes me that you do. I listen to the three of you shouting your indignation into the night and I think to myself; "Wow... how can they keep it up? How do they do it day after day?" I feel your outrage. I really feel it. And I consider it my obligation to the cause to listen to what you and the others in your ranks have to say. And I also spread the word whenever I can and I do volunteer work for the Democrat party, registering voters and the like. But I also know that just as in any ongoing war... there are casualties. I understand that. I pray you will hang in there for as long as you possibly can and not become one of them. Good luck my friend. Cheers, Andy S. [You're too kind, Andy. Thank you. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky, Can't understand all the fuss over the Mohammed cartoons. Its not real art like in Husler or anything. Can't we get someone depicting the prophet with a large bulls' cock rammed up his ass or are cows sacred or something? They say one picture is worth a thousand words and I think you are the perfect one to correct this shoddy art. Your Canadian friend, Ian [It's easy for us here in the West to laugh at those crazy Muslims for going batshit crazy over a bunch of frankly mediocre cartoons. After all, we aren't the ones being blasted into bloody chunks by the dozens on a daily basis in Bush's neocon Crusade. But for a lot of these people, their (admittedly retarded) religion is all they've got. Their lives are a game of Survivor played under an ever-shifting set of rules that all but guarantees they'll end up on the losing side. Maybe if they lived in a total distraction society like we do -- with 1000 channels being beamed into their brains from plasma-screen mind control boxes between SUV trips to the local junk-food dispenser where they get to shove Big Macs and Mars Bars down their throats -- they'd be as fat and lazy and unwilling to riot as we are. Leaving aside for a moment any question of "freedom of expression", those cartoons were pure provocation. They were shouting fire in a crowded prison camp. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com