WORLD WAR III CAN WAIT Samuel L. Jackson has snagged the vocal role of a lifetime! The beloved Negro thespian has been tapped to play none other than the Lord God JHVH, Himself, in an upcoming, all-Black audio version of The Holy Bible. Other famous characters will be by tackled by various actors, activists, athletes and probably even a few politicians, as long as their skin is sufficiently saturated with melanin. We here at the Daily Dirt have absolutely no problem with such a project -- above and beyond the usual problems we have with anything having to do with that silliest and deadliest of books -- but we did feel that casting the roles would be a helluva lot easier without having to adhere to such a stringent racial handicap. Therefore, we've gone ahead and compiled this list of the… TOP 13 BIBLE ROLES and WHO WE WOULD CHOOSE TO PLAY THEM! 13. Shaquille O'Neal as Adam 12. Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel and Jessica Simpson, taking turns as Eve 11. Karl Rove as the Snake, Whisperer of Dark Counsel 10. Al Gore as Noah, Prophet of the Great Flood 9. Eddie Murphy as a stable donkey or something 8. Ali G as Young Moses, Sir Ian McKellen as Old Moses 7. Joe Lieberman as Samson 6. FOX News studios as the Tower of Babel 5. Madonna as the Virgin Mary, Mother of God 4. George Bush as Retarded Cowboy Jesus 3. Katrina survivors as a bunch of lepers 2. Dick Cheney as Darth Vader 1. …and Jerry Mathers as the Beaver! Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY July 13 On this day in 1832, explorer Henry Rowe Schoolcraft is disgusted to discover that the source of the Mississippi River is a ruptured sewage pipe in northwestern Minnesota. On this day in 1837, Queen Victoria moves into Buckingham Palace. In a nod to the commoners, she spends her first two months there cleaning the mess left behind by the previous tenants -- "a right herd of swine", apparently -- and living out of cardboard boxes. On this day in 1863, the New York Draft Riots begin! That was when thousands of poverty-stricken, underclass White People created the messiest, deadliest ruckus in United States history, because a) they didn't want to fight to free no frickin' slaves, and b) the rich man could weasel his way out by paying the government a measly hundred bucks. On this day in 1908, chicks compete in modern Olympics for the first time. Way to go, ladies! The New York City Blackout took place on this day in 1977. The city was without power for 25 hours, and mass violence and looting took place. Check out Spike Lee's Summer of Sam for a fictionalized, but viscerally verisimilitudinous, portrayal of that event. On this day in 1983, 3,000 Tamils are slaughtered in Sri Lanka… by a bunch of Buddhists. Jesus Fucking Naiholes! BUDDHISTS!!! Is there any religion in this world that doesn't cause its adherents to go batshit fucking insane?! On this day in 1985, the first Live Aid benefit concert takes place in London, England. Pink Floyd didn't take part, however, so yer old pal Jerky doesn't know enough about it to make any jokes.

THEY SAID IT! "The true things that bind us together are the American flag and our common language. And when McDonald’s sends a different message, that causes resentment." - Of all the fine reasons to boycott McDonald's, dipshit mayor Steve Lonegan (R-Ass) of Bogota, New Jersey, is calling for a boycott because of a Spanish-language billboard advertising iced coffee. *** **** *** "Yo Soy El Army." - Tagline for the U.S. Army Spanish-language ad campaign. Check out the custom H2 rolling billboard featuring the slogan.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Kerusty Klown! This bloke rings his boss early one morning: "Boss, i can't come in today, i'm sick." "Sick!" cries the boss, "just how sick?" "Really sick boss, so sick i just can't come in today." "How sick is really sick you bludging bastard?" "Well, i'm in bed with a 12 year old boy and 2 Alsatians. Is that sick enough for you?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Nan or Ben for sending in today's second joke. A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in my truck." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Baadshash... One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. We didn't know what to call her, so we named her "Pussycat." The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband (the complainer) said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him. My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband 'El-Cheap-O', and my husband calls the vet 'El-Charge-O'. They love to hate each other and constantly 'snipe' at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion. The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD's waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, "Your wife's pussy doesn't stink any more and it's finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she's pregnant. God only knows who the father is!" Then he closed the door.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: AUTHORITY FIGURES care of: Mr. Finally Jerky, In response to PD63664's list of things the law enforcement commuity "Wants You To Know". To tell the truth, I was going to take it apart point by point to illustrate what a whiney ass Officer PD63664 really is. But instead, the thought process lead me to look at the points closer and come to a higher conclusion. The matter at hand (as mentioned in PD63664's list) is the falling out of love with authority figures in America. People are becoming disillusioned with authority. Throughout the history of the 20th Century there have been multiple "villians" that the government and "authority" have deemed paramount to neutralize for the benefit of the people. Prohibition, The McCarthy Inquiries, The Anti-Organized Crime Campaigns, The Campaign Against Communism, The War on Drugs, and now "The War on Terror" have all had specific targets and with it the freedoms and privacies of the common citizen have been progressively encroached. All these encroachments are done under the "safety well being of: the citizen / moral fiber / society / nation (you plug in the one that make your bunghole tingle the most). In most recent times the gates have been opened to scour every aspect of ANYONE'S life under the guise of "national security". The thing that that I find the most disturbing is this: With each encroachment of our civil liberties and rights, the element of accountability of said authority has evaporated accordingly. Just cause and good faith are now extinct, mere fairy tales in the laws that govern this land. I honestly believe that "We the People" are becoming tired of the nightmare that our government (on all levels) has become. Tired of the personal invasion, tired of the lies, tired of the fleecing, and mostly tired of the irresponsible authority that is holding the reigns. For Fuck's Sake, Mr Finally FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! Jerky... I've been using (and loving) the Bug-Me-Not website ever since you turned us on to it...what? Two years ago? Today, I entered the website and was immediately hacked. By the time my Yahoo virus counter was done I had been hit by AT LEAST 57 viruses. It took us over two hours to clean out all the adware, spyware and crap that hacked our computer and Yahoo never had time to delete. It was a nightmare. So Bug-Me-Not was hacked by somebody. All you have to do is try and open the website to be hit. Is there a way to let them know whats happened? Or do you think the managers of the website already know? You should let your readers know. Cheers, Andy [Seeing as I can't go there to check things out for myself, your warning is going to have to serve as the Dirt's warning. So caveat surftor! - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky, you know last year when the story broke concerning the porn sites offering free access to soldiers in exchange for death photos? At the time, I wrote out this long dissertation about this morbid/maniacal behavior and what effects it might have on this country long and short term when "our soldiers" returned home. I elected not to send it to you because I thought maybe I was beginning to lose what little grip I have left on reality. In that piece, I mentioned that some of these soldiers, demented fucks that they are, will return home and join some form of local or federal law enforcement, hate groups or even Blackwater or some organization of that ilk, as if we needed more monsters roaming the countryside. Well, as it turns out, maybe I wasn't too far out in left field after all. Read this. From top to bottom, this country has all the pieces in place to ruin itself from the inside out, but, you know, fuck it, who wants pie? Or in your words, if you prefer, pop, pop, munch, munch! YOPGessier [But... isn't that story exactly the opposite of what you were worried would happen? - Jerky] *** **** *** Yo, Jerkmonster: I've been playing around with your Archives this morning, and I ran across this site about racial slurs. That shit is hilarious! It hurts everybody's feelings, and that's what makes it so funny. And it's approrpriate to my current situation, because last night I kicked my beautiful, blue-eyed boyfriend out of my house because he's too lazy for me. And now I'm playing with the computer. I'm glad it's Sunday, I don't have to go to work. I am exteremely hungover, my head feels like a balloon. Fuck this shit. I'm going to bed. Black American Princess [Will you marry me? - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky, It has been 7 weeks since I have read the dirt. I moved to China to work and your site is on the banned list. Nop matter what I try, can't connect to your site. Please help, George in China [Any response I give you here would be fruitless. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dear Jerky; Some things are "Just worth it." You know, a trip to the store for ice cream on a hot day - air conditioning in Florida in the summer - well, this site has a video clip that is really worth it. It is worth watching, even if you do not have DSL or fast access to the Internet and it will take a long time to download and watch this video. You may even have to download and run a program to watch it. It is well worth it though. Please take the time to look at this. Is it political? Yes, but not in the liberal or conservative or republican or democrat way. Like I said, it is just worth it. David [Seems interesting. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey, Jerky: I just woke up from a long day of weird, colorful dreams, went to the store to get something to eat, ran into an old friend. She's 38, and her 14-year-old daughter just informed her that she's knocked up by a 16-year-old. Now my friend has to suffer the embarrassment of being a young grandma. I asked, "What are you gonna do?" And she replied, "I have no choice. I'll spend the next 16 years raising yet another rugrat, on top of the 4 that I've already raised. Abortion is out of the question. With fuckin' wetbacks flooding this country, breeding like cockroaches, America needs all the New Generation niggahs we can get. The crackers ain't carrying their own weight. Little white girls get knocked up all the time, and their parents actually drive them to the abortion clinic. In a few years, Caucasian-Americans will be extinct, just like the Europeans are extinct now. They let them ragheads flood their continent and take over, because raghead bitches ain't afraid to breed." Is that politically incorrect, or what? I dare you to publish it, ya liberal. Jessie The Swampwitch [Done. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com